and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
