I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
