I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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