apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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