How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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