I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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