we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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