I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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