Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
