I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
