It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
