Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
