I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Randomize
