weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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