I need help removing her.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Mom said you looked used
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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