My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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