I think I just saw someone hide a body.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
