shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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