Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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