Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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