The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
