I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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