Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
