Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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