Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
