I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
50% drunk capacity currently
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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