A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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