Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
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Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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