one might say we're banned from that church
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
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just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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