My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
