I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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