Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
