??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
