I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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