You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
