thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
