Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
