I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize