My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
