Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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