Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
