I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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