the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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