i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you traded sex for a burrito?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
