im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
