I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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