im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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