I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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