My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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