This dress was meant to end up on your floor
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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