you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
