I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
