Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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