I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
