if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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