either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
