Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
